Mild Depression

I had mild depression after I delivered Baby. There was an article in Straits Times recently with the headlines 'Confinement Period Triggers Depression'. I think it's so true.

I was practically upset with everything and everyone.

I was upset that Baby was taken away from me. For the whole day, I didn't get to carry baby (yes, not even once). I didn't get to latch on Baby. I suffered from engorgement. My breasts were hard as stone and they are so big, I looked as if I'm a D Cup. It was very painful until I couldn't sleep. My milk supply didn't increase. My pump output was 5 - 10 ml.

I couldn't use my hp (and computer too - of course) even while I was lying on my bed resting. I couldn't wash my hair. I stink. I have ugly stretchmarks. I am still fat even after baby is out. My wound hurts. I didn't like that the CL fed my Baby alot of milk and make her sleep for long stretches (as long as 5 hours). That shouldn't be the case because Baby has jaundice. She needs to wake up often to drink and poo.

I felt that no one supported me. No one understood me. I was forced to do things against my will. I was upset and loss that Baby is taken away from me majority of the time. The only time I had some time with Baby was when Hubby came back from work and bring her to my confined room. I cried 7 days out of 14 days. Then the first CL left because her FIL passed away. The second CL came.

She made my mom upset because she broke the slow cooker. And after being here for 1 week, she doesn't know how to brew red date tea. She doesn't know how to cook AT ALL. She doesn't know how to feed baby. Every time she feeds, Baby throws up and gets choked. I witnessed that twice myself. It was so tiring for my mom. She has to correct every single thing that she did everyday. And I woke up 4 times through the night to monitor her feed baby. We decided that she has to go.

After latching for a week, I went back to pump again. Saw that my output was still the same. I cried. I have been very hard on myself. I had high expectations. Then a few people told me that breastfeeding is not everything of motherhood. I didn't have to feel bad if I have to supplement it with formula milk. Hubby also said that it's okay if I've done my best and if we decide to give total FM.



New challenges ahead. I pray that God will guide me through and give me strength so that I can give my best to Baby.

Constant nightmares

I'm back to work today. Lots of things to do and catch up. But I think I am managing my work well. I can even remind my colleagues some of the things to follow up and to take note of.

Last night I had a nightmare. In fact, lately, I have been having nightmares. Not sure whether it's because of the tension between me and Hubby. We seemed to bickle more often nowadays. But Hubby would never fail to listen and talk to baby when I am lying on the bed. Anyway, about my nightmare - I dreamt that I was being kidnapped.

But the person didn't want a ransom. It's a she. She wanted me dead. I pleaded her to let me go because I have a baby. And she said she wants the baby dead too. And she asked me to choose what kind of death I want; and she gave me some options (push me down the building, suffocate me, bury me alive, drink dettol, drown to death etc). I couldn't choose any and she randomly picked for me. I was so scared and so shocked that I woke up.

I had another nightmare, not long ago. That my head is being pressed against the wall until I can hear my skull crack. It was so painful; somehow I really literally felt the pain. But in the dream, I was more concerned about my baby. I felt my hands sayang my tummy but I couldn't wake up. When I finally managed to open my eyes, I was panting in tears and I could feel baby kickly fearfully inside me. I repeatedly apologized to baby for having such a nightmare and for scaring him so badly.

Lately, I kept on dreaming that someone wants to take my baby away from me.